A year exploring the castle

Last Saturday was my 1 year anniversary here in the Fazenda.  I can easily say that this has been the most intense and important year of my life.  In all I’ve discovered about myself and about God’s love.  I have been changed for good.  And Erica leaves today—my darling Erica who I’ve had as my constant companion during this journey to the center of our souls.  We’ve only been friends for a year, but it seems a lifetime ago that we met.

I remember thinking before my mission “Now my soul is like one small room, after it will be the whole house.”  Well it seems to be more like a castle with a thousand rooms, winding staircases, torturous dungeons, and many sunlit courtyard and rose gardens.  It is more perplexing and meandering, but also more lovely and awesome than I ever imagined.  And I’m sure I’ve only just walked through a small part of it.  I have a guide on this journey through my soul (you undoubtedly know who), but often I think “Oh, I’ve got this!  I can find my way from here.”  Then my pride gets me lost, leads me into doubt.  I make one wrong turn after another until I turn a corner and He is there waiting for me.  I surrender and He takes my hand again with a knowing little smile. 

Even with my guide, every so often I find myself in darkness.  Sometimes it’s just a short corridor where I can keep my hand against the wall until I reach the courtyard on the other side, but others it’s an immense abandoned ballroom and the consuming blackness of it paralyzes me.  During these times all I can do is focus on the present.  I mean be completely focused on whatever/whoever is directly in front of me.  If I look ahead or behind me even one hour of time I lose my grip on reality.  It’s as if the present moment is a single candle flame and all else is an abyss.  I can’t think about how fabulous my vacation was with my parents or the argument I had with Rafaela during breakfast.  I can’t think about what I’m going to do when I get home to Arizona or even what I’m going to cook for dinner.  All thoughts—of joy or sorrow—somehow morph into anxiety, shame, doubt, loneliness.  Only the single candle flame of the present moment is real and only that can I see clearly.

My guide carries the candle.  It’s so dark I can’t see His face or even His wounded hand, but I know the feeling of His presence.  I don’t know where we’re going or how much longer we have to walk.  I only know that I don’t dare look away from the flame.  I have no words during these times because I don’t understand what the darkness is while I’m in it.  I can only say “I am in darkness.”  Some people become afraid and cry for me.  Others lose patience and tell me to get over it.  Few understand—those who have walked through the dark rooms of their own souls, led by the Flame.  To them I say “I am in darkness.  Please pray for me,” and they simply say “Ok,” with a little smile because they know it will lead into light.  There is nothing to do, only pray and wait.

In a moment, perhaps after a day or a few weeks, He opens the door and we step into the sunshine.  Sunlight floods the dark room and I can see what was lurking there.  Maybe it was the threadbare sofa of loneliness, the tarnished mirror of deceit, the tattered blanket of insecurity.  In reality just a bunch of old furniture I need to throw out.  We prop the door open so the sun and breeze can air out the room and I follow Him into the garden, onto explore the rest of the castle.  As I soak up the sunshine I can reflect on the past and dream of the future without any pain or fear.  My joy is full in His love.

My departure date is set: September 19^th.  I’m going to spend a couple weeks in the Heart’s Home in New York afterwards and will be home October 8^th.  Please pray for me in these final two months of my mission.  I feel like I’ve received so much and still have so much more to give.  I continue to pray for all of you.

Love,

Sunny