I have vivid dreams, I always have. How often have I thought something happened and then had to ask "did I dream that?" I dreamt before I came here of wandering through the street, giving birth to octuplets, discovering the rooms of a new house. I dreamt once I got here of giant mutant bugs, getting lost in the jungle, people I love dying. Now I dream of coming home. Last night I hugged my little blond niece, buried my face in her hair and cried for missing Rafaela. Last week I gave birth to a little girl and couldn't remember what I had wanted to name her. I dream of seeing a face I love in the airport, finding new rooms in my old house, listening to the tide come in.
It's 4:00am. I'm lying awake hungry and thinking of everything I want to do, everyone I want to visit, all the projects I want to finish, all the things I want to teach Rafa and Celina in the next 5 weeks. I went to bed before dinner last night because I was horribly nauseous. Was it the jaca fruit I ate at Manuela's house or the anxiety of the deadline?...oh, Celina! My new "little" sister. She arrived last week for a year mission. She's from Jefferson City, is 18, and a head taller than me. She LOVES to clean! ALLELUIA! my prayers are answered!! :) We discovered the other day that on the day she was born I had my wisdom teeth pulled. HA! Still, we have a lot in common. Maybe just because of this mission, this little space that we share with our hearts open. I pray and I try to encourage her to be completely open to this life, to be herself even if she feels stupid, and to trust God. And I've got to teach her how to make cakes because everyone is freaking out over who will be the baker when I leave.
I'm so ready to go home, but I'm not ready to leave. Like when I came here--sad to leave, happy to go. But you have to leave in order to go, and so... I wonder how much has changed. My oldest nephew was almost as tall as me when I left, now my highest heels can't reach him. There are relatives who don't talk to each other anymore, friends who feel we are just too far apart, new babies in the family. My Grandma's not there anymore. There are changes in my heart that are beyond words. How much have I changed? And how will they find me still the same? I feel like a clueless little hobbit (maybe it's because I haven't had a pedicure in over a year) who left home one day and entered the world of men, having to face all it's goodness and evil. Will I be like Sam who went home with clarity and courage to live shire-life to the fullest? Or will I be like Frodo who just can't go back, who just can't explain?
...now that I write that it seems clearer: of course I'm like Sam! Besides, Frodo was too skinny :)
xo
Sunny
