Happiness

Last weekend we had a retreat with Padre Guillerhme and I was stressed that I wouldn't be able to understand the seminars and wouldn't get much out of the retreat (he's going to use big Portuguese words!  Arghhhh!!).  So before the first talk I was in adoration praying for the Holy Spirit to open my ears and help me understand the language better when God spoke.  I know when it's Him talking rather than my own voice because He always says something I've never thought of, but once I hear it, it seems like I've always known it to be true.  He also usually tells me things I don't have the courage to tell myself.  He didn't address my immediate concern about the seminar in Portuguese but instead told me, "You are exactly where I want you to be.  I have given you everything you need to succeed, but success is not what you think.  Happiness is not what you think.  It is not a husband and children, living close to you family, a singing career, enough money, or being healthy.  These things will never make you happy.  Only knowing in the center of your heart--knowing without doubt, without the need to explain--that you are living my will.  That is happiness.  You will always be searching for something more until you give up all else and want only that certainty in your heart."  Not that this is a new message.  It’s repeated over and over in the Bible, Saints have preached it, contemporary theologians have written it, but until I heard it from the inside, with my heart I didn’t understand it.

I went to the seminar with this profound message still ringing in my ears and was concentrating very hard on every word Padre Guillerhme said.  It gave me a vicious headache. He spoke about lots of things and towards the end he brought up the subject of happiness.  He asked if anyone knew what happiness really is.  I wanted to shoot my hand in the air and shout "I do!  I do!  God just told me!!" Instead I let him continue and...well, he was spot on.  And I smiled in my heart because God had translated beforehand what I really needed to get out of the weekend. 

  

So I couldn't talk to you about happiness without telling you about my friend Luis Antonio. He is a special friend of the Fazenda.  He lives in the Passagem and walks here a few days a week, rain or shine, to pass the time.  He knows that if he spends the morning working we will feed him lunch which may be the only meal he gets in a day.  My sense of smell usually perceives his arrival.  I couldn't tell you how old he is; I would guess somewhere between 22 and 54.  He has one front tooth remaining but manages to whistle, and he is usually singing.  Various songs I can't understand, but one song he sings is about "felicidade"--Happiness.  He always comes to see Irma Miriam first and if she's not here he talks to me about presumably the same things he would say to her.  Our conversations usually go something like this:

Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."

Me: "O que?"  ("What?")

Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."

Me: "O que?"  ("What?")

Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."

Me: "Desculpe Luis Antonio, no entendu."  ("Sorry Luis Antonio, I don't understand.")

Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."

Me: "Desculpe Luis Antonio, no entendu."  ("Sorry Luis Antonio, I don't understand.")

Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."

Me: "Oohhh, ta bom!"  ("Oohhh, Ok!")

And then he walks away singing and I hope that he hasn't just told me that someone's house is on fire or the chemical composition of the cure for cancer.  He has the patience of a saint and I am finally starting to understand him a little more. 

A couple weeks ago he saw that I brought home a coconut from one of my friends.  (I accepted it graciously and didn't tell them that I have a coconut tree right outside my front door.)  He seemed to be very concerned about the coconut and for three days asked me something about it.  I had no idea what he wanted only that he kept gesturing to the coconut.  I told him he could have it but he wouldn't take it.  Finally the fourth day I realized that he was concerned that it was going to go to waste.  (Honestly?  We have a whole forest full of them!)  He wanted me to eat it.  Well, I told him that I didn't know how to open it.  So he asked if he could borrow our machete (which I understood only by the word for "knife") then he opened it for me all the while presumably telling me the best way to open a coconut.  And he stood there to make sure that I drank all the coco water and scooped out all the meat.  He didn't want any of it, he just wanted to make sure that I ate it all.

He's always leaving little presents for us if we're not home when he comes by.  One day it's a handful of tamarind (picked from our neighbor's tree, mind you), another day it's 2 oranges.  Yesterday he came by after lunch carrying a 15 foot long young bamboo shoot.  He wanted me to have it.  I asked him "what for?"  "For when you go fishing."  "I wish!" I thought.  I would like to know if he knows any good places to go fishing in the area and how exactly do I catch a fish with a stick, but those questions will have to wait until my vocabulary improves.

I await the day when I can actually sit down and have a conversation with him.  I'd like to know his story and why he always sings about felicidade.  I've seen where he lives--in a tiny shack that is actually his brother's house.  I've heard that his brother's wife doesn't want him to live there.  He has no job, no family who loves him, and I think he's not in the best health if he's already lost most of his teeth.  So why is he so happy?  Is it some great mystery or is it only because he wakes up every morning?  Or does he simply believe that he is exactly where he is supposed to be and living God's will for him? 

praying for your happiness,

Sunny    

Coconuts, tea, and a new friend

Today is the first day of spring, but it has not arrived.  I'm sitting here wearing sweats with the shutters open so that I can see the lush jungle hills and thick grey clouds.  It's trippy to think that it's September and it's spring. Having Christmas in the middle of summer is going to be even crazier. 

We had a couple of outings over the weekend and the weather was not obliging.  On Saturday we made a pilgrimage through Salvador from...oh dangit, I can't remember the names, but it was a big new church to a little old chapel. (that really narrows it down!  LOL)  We carried Our Lady of Compassion before us and prayed the rosary along the way (I'll post photos someday).  Part of the walk was along the seafront and from the wind, rain, and surf, we all ended up drenched.  I guess it wouldn't have been a proper pilgrimage if we hadn't suffered a little.  Sunday we went to the beach--all 40 of us, and had a blast.  The rain drove us out around 3:00, but at least no one got sunburned.  I can't even tell you how fabulous it was to have these outings.  We so seldom leave the Fazenda (I only leave once or twice a week) and we rarely all go anywhere together.  It was a total crack up to see all the little girls getting gussied-up.  "Honestly Rafaela, you painted your fingernails to go on a pilgrimage?"  Hey, she doesn't get out much.  They go to school everyday, but that's it, so this was a big weekend for the children especially.

I have to admit, I get cabin fever regularly.  I suppose anytime you take a girl out of the city and place her in the jungle with limited transportation and practically no communication with the outside world that's going to happen.  I'm supposed to have a day of rest every 2 weeks.  Usually I leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday night, but with the activities of the past few weeks I've been thrown off schedule (that's normal here, schedules are mere suggestions).  So I was scheduled to go for a day of rest today until tomorrow night, but yesterday I got sick.  My first case of Montezuma's Revenge (actually, I don't think Montezuma made it to South America, but probably one of his descendents did).  I stayed in bed or in the bathroom all day yesterday (TMI, I know).  Joselita (Brazilian woman who has lived here with her children for 10 years, makes the most amazing peanut ice cream) heard I was having tummy trouble and sent her 9 year old son, João Lucas, to help me. He arrived with his machete (everyone has one) and cut a fresh green coconut for me, then opened it so I could drink the coco water.  Apparently this is very good for any digestive problems.  Today I am having a mini-rest day in the Fazenda.  I'm staying in one of our guest rooms and I don't have to do anything.  I get to read, write, sleep, and pray all day to recuperate.  If only we had wi-fi up here I'd be all set.

So I was enjoying the solitude when Lúcia came to visit.  Ok, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'll tell you anyways because it makes for a better story...I was annoyed when I heard her call out for me and thought "doesn't she know I'm sick and on a rest day?  She shouldn't be bothering me."  Well, she brought me a freshly cut green coconut to drink.  Along with a nice big dose of humilty!!  I gulped both down and thanked her profusely.  10 minutes later she arrived with 2 more coconuts and told me not to eat anything except coco water and coco meat all day and that she would bring more this afternoon.  A day of only coconuts--fine by me!  Then she came back later with a thermos full of delicious tea made from some herb growing here in the Fazenda that is also good for tummy troubles.  And she also brought me a flower.  Her thoughtfulness, generosity, and tenderness is better medicine than a whole jungle full of coconuts and herbs.  Her presence is even more profound because I can't say that Lúcia and I have become very close.  Now if Erica had come to care for me I would have also appreciated it but would've just thought that she was being my darling friend that she is.  It's a totally different thing with Lúcia.  She's been one of the more difficult ones to befriend.  She's from the Passagem;  I've met her mother and some of her siblings who still live there and their conditions are heart-breaking.  She is 32 and has lived in the Fazenda for 10 years with her 19 year old daughter, Bel (do the math).  She also has Bea, who's 3 1/2 in her care.  Bea was abdoned by her mother when she was 6 months old, and as her mother was friends with Lúcia, Lúcia felt a great love for the child.  I don't really know how to help Lúcia.  I don't know her whole story, but knowing where she grew up and that she had a child at 13 tells me that she has pain inside her that I cannot imagine.  She's grown-up, so I can't really play with her like the kids, but often more immature than her 19 year old daughter.  She's not physically ill so I can't help take care of her that way and when I have tried to just sit and chat with her she talks about pretty embarassing or unpleasant things.  One day in mass she sat next to me and I held out the hymnal for her to sing along.  Then I remembered that she can't read...I'm such an ass.  Of all the people in the Fazenda she is the one with whom I have the least mental or spiritual connection.  But then it's she who brings me coconuts, tea, and flowers when I am sick.  That completely blows my mind!  God could not have offered me a better cure for my sickness.  Maybe what she needs is to feel needed and appreciated.  I couldn't offer her that without being weak and needy myself.  Maybe the best way to help her is to let her help me. 

love,

Sunshine  

PS.  Here I was feeling better from all the coconuts, tea, and love, but now I have a fever.  Back to bed I go!  Please pray for me and send me your prayer requests: sunnywallsings@gmail.com

That's Life!

I've been living here for 2 months today.  Perhaps "living" isn't the best word--I've been sleeping, eating, breathing here, but my heart wasn't really in it.  One of the main reasons I came here was to take myself out of the center of my life and put Jesus there, put other people before me.  Well it turns out that I have been doing just the opposite.  "I don't want to do this thing or that.  I'd rather do what she is doing.  Why does she get to do all the fun stuff?  Why does he get to go to all the fun places?  I can't do that--I don't know how.  This isn't what I signed up for.  I'm tired.  I don't feel good.  I miss my peeps."  wah, wah, wah, what a baby!  For a few weeks as all the negative, selfish thoughts were brewing in my head I became more and more sad and withdrawn and yet I was trying to act happy with a smile on my face because I didn't want to try to explain it to my community.  I didn't want them to think that I wasn't happy here.  Then last week a dear friend reminded me that this is not a vacation, IT'S A SACRIFICE!  This is reality!  DUH!  And it would be a waste of time for everyone if I didn't open up to the experience.  Well that was exactly what I needed to hear and so I took off my wretched smiling mask.  Turns out I was not fooling anyone.  Everyone here knew I was miserable and knew what I was going through (and here I thought I was such a good actress!)  They knew that it was part of my walk and I would have to go through it like the rest of them.  They were all praying for me and waiting for me to open up and bear my weaknesses so that they could help.  So that they could become my friends.   It's amazing how much I've changed in just a week--just a week of actually living here. 

And so I'll share some happenings of living here over the past week.  Nothing really extraordinary, just normal life in the Fazenda.  Considering that normal life here includes cleaning up bat poop and catching chameleons, maybe it's not so normal...

Last Wednesday was Brazil's Independence Day so everyone was off.  I went with Padre Cristiano (French priest, a good tenor), Hugo (Peruvian missionary, recently arrived here), Ingrid (Peruvian missionary, just finished a 14-month in Argentina and is staying here for 3 months), and the Brazilian teenagers: Diego (12), Mateus (14) (they're brothers), Jaianie (16), Bel (19), and Tata (20) to the beach.  It was funny when Padre asked me if I wanted to go: "I'd like to take the teenagers to the beach.  Do you want to go?"  I reminded him that I am not a teenager :)  and yes, I ALWAYS want to go to the beach!  It rained all morning, someone stole Padre's backpack, and I got a sunburn, but other than that we had a fabulous time!  No, really, we did have a great time and I was really happy to get to know the teenagers here better.  I'll tell you more about that adventure when I can upload photos. 

So the weekend was wonderfully non-eventful.  Saturday morning I finally did my laundry (it had been nearly 3 weeks!).  It took most of the morning and the next day my arms were sore.  I was sore from doing laundry!  HA!  love it :)  I tried making my famous sugar cookies.  My parents sent me some special ingredients, but I think I didn't remember the recipe correctly because they didn't turn out right.  So instead I dumped the batter into a cake pan and decided to make bar cookies, which turned out more like a crumbly cake.  Then to try to salvage it I tried making caramel.  I used to make caramel and caramel sauce frequently at home, but something here hinders my previous success.  I have tried making caramel 6 times here and only once has it turned out right.  So Saturday after I failed again I had to laugh at my frustration.  Here I am in the middle of the jungle trying desperately to make the perfect caramel sauce and I don't even have a whisk!  And yet giving up hasn't crossed my mind.  Instead, I walked away and went to work with the horses.  Rafael (Brazilian, 20, used to live here and is the brother of Diego, Mateus, & Rafaela) came out for the weekend and he's really good with horses. Oh, and they aren't wild horses as I previously thought, it's just that no one has done anything with them in a couple years.  They spend all their time grazing.  Sunday I returned to my caramel catastrophe, reheated the sugar that was still in the saucepan, and I have no idea how, but it turned out perfectly!  ALLELUIA!  And just in time for lunch.  I spread the caramel over the cakey-cookie and it turned into absolute deliciousness :)

I've received a couple packages (you know who you are and THANK YOU!!!) and it is a riot to see how excited everyone gets whenever anyone gets a package.  The first question is always "Is there chocolate?"  Any food we get is gone in a day because we share the love.  The toys a friend sent were greatly appreciated and the light-up key chain was a huge hit!  (lots of oooohhhs and ahhhhhs over that gadget)  Living with less really makes you realize what is actually important.  I have maybe 10% of the things I used to have and then I see in the Passagem how much more we have than most of them.  It also makes you so much more appreciative for what used to be little things.  Like how I was thrilled to receive ziplocs.  Ziplocs.  Honestly, how many ziplocs have I purchased, used once, and then thrown away in my life?  Now they're some special commodity and I think twice about using them and I always wash them and re-use them.

My Portuguese is coming along, although it's more "Portunol" since so many people here speak Espanol.  I'm getting good at figuring out different ways to say things when I don't know the words I really want to use.  For example,  I wanted to ask a friend "Can you please check me for lice?" but I didn't know all the words, so I asked "Can you please look in my hair for bugs?" which worked perfectly.  (Not sure yet on the outcome of that question since we need a special comb to check thoroughly.)  Then one day on the bus the man sitting next to me was trying to talk to me.  I literally couldn't understand one word except "viu?" which means basically "ya see?" and he'd say at the end of every sentence.  I kept trying to tell him that I didn't understand and then he'd repeat exactly the same thing louder.  It was cracking me up.  I am communicating fairly well in the Fazenda and am engaging in more conversations with people in the Passagem (the neighboring barrio) but it's still hard to understand the slang. 

I love visiting the Passagem.  I only go on Tuesday afternoons and we try to visit different people each time.  I've been going long enough now that I'm getting to know people there and learn some of their stories.  Dona Virginia is a fav.  She's 90 if she's a day and lives a little outside of town, across the stream.  We have to walk on the train tracks to get to her house.  (We pray the rosary while walking on the tracks, so don't worry Mom, it's safe.)  It's amazing how her home looks so much different than the others.  Even her grass is different.  It's like the lushest carpet you can imagine and her garden is a fairy wonderland.  I don't remember how many children she has.  One of her sons and his wife live in a small house on her property, but I haven't met them.  It seems like she is mostly alone.  We always find her sitting on her front porch on a concrete bench sewing quilts from scraps.  She sews by hand in poor light and it comes out perfectly.  And she talks to us while sewing!  Amazing!  I can barely walk and talk at the same time.  She told us that she built her house herself, from the concrete benches to the seashell porch floor.  She took us on a tour of her gardens one day and sent us home with like 20 different cuttings to plant.  (Erica planted them outside her house with the agreement that once they bloom I am welcome to pick the flowers to put in the church.)  There was a leafless plant outside her backdoor that had eggshell halves stuck on all the dead branches.  I thought maybe it was some ancient Amazonian secret to resurrect the plant, so I asked her why she had done that.  "Because I think it's pretty," she said with a shrug and a smile.  I think she is adorable.  

Padre Guillerhme is a French priest and the head honcho of Heart's Home.  (Head Honcho is not his proper title, but I can't think of the right word in English.)  Anyways, he arrived Monday and is staying for 2 weeks.  I'm looking forward to getting to know him and spend some time in spiritual formation with him.  This Saturday we are making a pilgrimage to celebrate Our Lady of Compassion.  Padre Guillerhme is giving a lecture and then we're walking--I don't know how far, but the kids are going too, so I doubt it's very far.  Sunday we are all going to the beach, which should be quite an adventure to load up all 40 of us.  Details next week...

Please send me your prayer requests!  sunnywallsings@gmail.com

Oh, and I am waaaaaaay behind on my photo albums and videos, but that's life!  I'll update them when I have hours and hours to spend on the internet.

love,

Sunny

Road Trip

I think I haven't been a very good blog-keeper.  I was reading through some of the other missionaries blogs and they tell their peeps everything about their lives.  So far I've only told you about my cooking sorrows and random thoughts.  You poor followers know practically nothing about the people I live with or the daily life.  I promise to amend my ways...

With that said, I won't try to go back in time too far and bombard you with nearly 2 months of experiences (WHOA!  2 months?!?  Has it been nearly 2 months?  No wonder I'm aching for home) but instead I'll start with the most recent past and tell you about a little road trip I took on Sunday.

Irmã Miriam (Brazilian nun, my roommate, has lots of shoes) has lived here in the Fazenda for 3 years.  She went on her first Heart's Home mission 17 years ago and decided this was her calling.  With HH she's lived in Argentina, El Salvador, France, and now Brazil.  In November she is moving to Peru and I know already I will be a wreck when she leaves.  I think she is fabulous.  I am very fortunate to have her for a roommate for several reasons: I think I get some sort of extra spiritual protection sleeping in the same room as a nun, she is the only educated Brazilian we have in the Fazenda and so is our Portuguese expert, and she's a really good cook.  Plus we get along very well.  She grew up a couple hours from the Fazenda in the interior of the state of Bahia.  She went to visit her parents who still live there (along with most of her 11 siblings) for a little vacation and invited some of us to spend last Sunday in their home.  

Very early on Sunday 6 of us: Irmã Josette (Lebanese nun, funniest nun I have ever met), Carolina (French permanent missionary, lives in my house, plays the violin beautifully), Adriano (Argentinian, speaks English and so gets all of my jokes), Aldo (Peruvian, laughs louder than I do), João (French, I don't know how else to explain him except that he is very French), and I loaded into the car for a 2 hour trip.  Adriano won the prize for "most prepared" when he whipped out the mate and cookies.  In case you're wondering what mate is, well it's a slightly caffeinated herbal beverage that is popular in South America.  You put the mate leaves in the gourd (the gourd is a cup or little pot and also called mate, which is confusing) along with a funky metal straw (called a bomba), and then fill it with hot water.  You pass it around and everyone drinks from the same mate and the same bomba, but this is the least of my sanitation worries here in the Fazenda.

Passing mate while driving--this is legal in Brazil



We talked, laughed, and played silly word games the whole way there.  We also stopped to ask for directions 8 times.  Eight.  I'm not even kidding.  Apparently South American men don't have the same issue with asking for directions as do the North-American-United-States variety. 

Just 2 examples of the friendly Brazilians who helped us



Along the way we passed through the town of São Felix which looked something like The Sound of Music meets Fantasy Island.

Adriano, Aldo, João 

Can you guess which one is Irmã Josette?

Anyways, we FINALLY arrived and everything was so beautiful: the landscape with lush rolling hills, the simple ranch house, the loving family.

We went to mass at the teeny tiniest chapel I have ever seen which was conveniently located just down the dirt road.  The chapel held 20-25 people and there were about 100 of us there.  No worries--we grabbed some cerveja chairs from the teeny tiniest tavern and extended the chapel seating onto the lawn. 

After mass, back at the ranch, we had lunch and relaxed a bit.  Irmã Miriam took us for a little hiking tour of the property and we saw the house where she grew up and the fields where she used to play.

Irmã Josette, Aldo, João, Irmã Miriam, Adriano, Carolina

After that the music began.  You name the Brazilian song and I think we heard it that afternoon.  When they ran out of Brazilian songs we started singing in Spanish, English, and French.  One of the guitarists was a singers dream: I'd just start singing a song and he'd fill in the chords. 

I smiled and laughed so much my cheeks hurt and being in the midst of that darling family made me miss mine all the more. 

We were reluctant to leave, but ended up singing the whole way home, which was shorter because we only had to stop to ask for directions twice. 

I was very grateful to have the opportunity to spend the day with some of my brothers and sisters of community.  We are all so busy in the Fazenda that we don't have much time to just relax and enjoy each other's company.  I feel like it's been hard for me to make friends (other than Erica, again Graças a Deus I have her!) since I'm just learning the language and can't communicate well.  At least they all like my cooking and my singing.