I've been living here for 2 months today. Perhaps "living" isn't the best word--I've been sleeping, eating, breathing here, but my heart wasn't really in it. One of the main reasons I came here was to take myself out of the center of my life and put Jesus there, put other people before me. Well it turns out that I have been doing just the opposite. "I don't want to do this thing or that. I'd rather do what she is doing. Why does she get to do all the fun stuff? Why does he get to go to all the fun places? I can't do that--I don't know how. This isn't what I signed up for. I'm tired. I don't feel good. I miss my peeps." wah, wah, wah, what a baby! For a few weeks as all the negative, selfish thoughts were brewing in my head I became more and more sad and withdrawn and yet I was trying to act happy with a smile on my face because I didn't want to try to explain it to my community. I didn't want them to think that I wasn't happy here. Then last week a dear friend reminded me that this is not a vacation, IT'S A SACRIFICE! This is reality! DUH! And it would be a waste of time for everyone if I didn't open up to the experience. Well that was exactly what I needed to hear and so I took off my wretched smiling mask. Turns out I was not fooling anyone. Everyone here knew I was miserable and knew what I was going through (and here I thought I was such a good actress!) They knew that it was part of my walk and I would have to go through it like the rest of them. They were all praying for me and waiting for me to open up and bear my weaknesses so that they could help. So that they could become my friends. It's amazing how much I've changed in just a week--just a week of actually living here.
And so I'll share some happenings of living here over the past week. Nothing really extraordinary, just normal life in the Fazenda. Considering that normal life here includes cleaning up bat poop and catching chameleons, maybe it's not so normal...
Last Wednesday was Brazil's Independence Day so everyone was off. I went with Padre Cristiano (French priest, a good tenor), Hugo (Peruvian missionary, recently arrived here), Ingrid (Peruvian missionary, just finished a 14-month in Argentina and is staying here for 3 months), and the Brazilian teenagers: Diego (12), Mateus (14) (they're brothers), Jaianie (16), Bel (19), and Tata (20) to the beach. It was funny when Padre asked me if I wanted to go: "I'd like to take the teenagers to the beach. Do you want to go?" I reminded him that I am not a teenager :) and yes, I ALWAYS want to go to the beach! It rained all morning, someone stole Padre's backpack, and I got a sunburn, but other than that we had a fabulous time! No, really, we did have a great time and I was really happy to get to know the teenagers here better. I'll tell you more about that adventure when I can upload photos.
So the weekend was wonderfully non-eventful. Saturday morning I finally did my laundry (it had been nearly 3 weeks!). It took most of the morning and the next day my arms were sore. I was sore from doing laundry! HA! love it :) I tried making my famous sugar cookies. My parents sent me some special ingredients, but I think I didn't remember the recipe correctly because they didn't turn out right. So instead I dumped the batter into a cake pan and decided to make bar cookies, which turned out more like a crumbly cake. Then to try to salvage it I tried making caramel. I used to make caramel and caramel sauce frequently at home, but something here hinders my previous success. I have tried making caramel 6 times here and only once has it turned out right. So Saturday after I failed again I had to laugh at my frustration. Here I am in the middle of the jungle trying desperately to make the perfect caramel sauce and I don't even have a whisk! And yet giving up hasn't crossed my mind. Instead, I walked away and went to work with the horses. Rafael (Brazilian, 20, used to live here and is the brother of Diego, Mateus, & Rafaela) came out for the weekend and he's really good with horses. Oh, and they aren't wild horses as I previously thought, it's just that no one has done anything with them in a couple years. They spend all their time grazing. Sunday I returned to my caramel catastrophe, reheated the sugar that was still in the saucepan, and I have no idea how, but it turned out perfectly! ALLELUIA! And just in time for lunch. I spread the caramel over the cakey-cookie and it turned into absolute deliciousness :)
I've received a couple packages (you know who you are and THANK YOU!!!) and it is a riot to see how excited everyone gets whenever anyone gets a package. The first question is always "Is there chocolate?" Any food we get is gone in a day because we share the love. The toys a friend sent were greatly appreciated and the light-up key chain was a huge hit! (lots of oooohhhs and ahhhhhs over that gadget) Living with less really makes you realize what is actually important. I have maybe 10% of the things I used to have and then I see in the Passagem how much more we have than most of them. It also makes you so much more appreciative for what used to be little things. Like how I was thrilled to receive ziplocs. Ziplocs. Honestly, how many ziplocs have I purchased, used once, and then thrown away in my life? Now they're some special commodity and I think twice about using them and I always wash them and re-use them.
My Portuguese is coming along, although it's more "Portunol" since so many people here speak Espanol. I'm getting good at figuring out different ways to say things when I don't know the words I really want to use. For example, I wanted to ask a friend "Can you please check me for lice?" but I didn't know all the words, so I asked "Can you please look in my hair for bugs?" which worked perfectly. (Not sure yet on the outcome of that question since we need a special comb to check thoroughly.) Then one day on the bus the man sitting next to me was trying to talk to me. I literally couldn't understand one word except "viu?" which means basically "ya see?" and he'd say at the end of every sentence. I kept trying to tell him that I didn't understand and then he'd repeat exactly the same thing louder. It was cracking me up. I am communicating fairly well in the Fazenda and am engaging in more conversations with people in the Passagem (the neighboring barrio) but it's still hard to understand the slang.
I love visiting the Passagem. I only go on Tuesday afternoons and we try to visit different people each time. I've been going long enough now that I'm getting to know people there and learn some of their stories. Dona Virginia is a fav. She's 90 if she's a day and lives a little outside of town, across the stream. We have to walk on the train tracks to get to her house. (We pray the rosary while walking on the tracks, so don't worry Mom, it's safe.) It's amazing how her home looks so much different than the others. Even her grass is different. It's like the lushest carpet you can imagine and her garden is a fairy wonderland. I don't remember how many children she has. One of her sons and his wife live in a small house on her property, but I haven't met them. It seems like she is mostly alone. We always find her sitting on her front porch on a concrete bench sewing quilts from scraps. She sews by hand in poor light and it comes out perfectly. And she talks to us while sewing! Amazing! I can barely walk and talk at the same time. She told us that she built her house herself, from the concrete benches to the seashell porch floor. She took us on a tour of her gardens one day and sent us home with like 20 different cuttings to plant. (Erica planted them outside her house with the agreement that once they bloom I am welcome to pick the flowers to put in the church.) There was a leafless plant outside her backdoor that had eggshell halves stuck on all the dead branches. I thought maybe it was some ancient Amazonian secret to resurrect the plant, so I asked her why she had done that. "Because I think it's pretty," she said with a shrug and a smile. I think she is adorable.
Padre Guillerhme is a French priest and the head honcho of Heart's Home. (Head Honcho is not his proper title, but I can't think of the right word in English.) Anyways, he arrived Monday and is staying for 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to getting to know him and spend some time in spiritual formation with him. This Saturday we are making a pilgrimage to celebrate Our Lady of Compassion. Padre Guillerhme is giving a lecture and then we're walking--I don't know how far, but the kids are going too, so I doubt it's very far. Sunday we are all going to the beach, which should be quite an adventure to load up all 40 of us. Details next week...
Please send me your prayer requests! sunnywallsings@gmail.com
Oh, and I am waaaaaaay behind on my photo albums and videos, but that's life! I'll update them when I have hours and hours to spend on the internet.
love,
Sunny
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