Sharing a Coke with my BFF

I spent most of the day Thursday praying.  In a corner of a gold encrusted chapel with Jesus at the center, these words came to me: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides."  Mt 6,33.  Yes, I need to keep my perspective.  God knows everything and has a plan.

Friday I decided to stay here another week--in limbo at the Hotel Rio ;)  I said my prayers and then paid at the front desk.  Then I got an email for an interview "Can you come today at 2:00?"  Sure!  It was a Teacher-for-Hire sort of place and they had a couple of opportunities that sounded really good.  But as I did the numbers in my head I just knew it wouldn't be enough to live on and the schedule was spread throughout the day so there wouldn't be a chance of getting another job.  I declined graciously and left wondering how many more times I could wear my only nice dress before I'd have to pay to have it laundered.  Then I checked my email.  Three emails from jobs I thought were lost!!  One from a a school in a nearby city (I'd rather live in Puebla, but I grow less finicky by the day).  One that was only part time, but an easier schedule to work in something else.  And one from a job I'd turned down on Monday and then later had sent them a desperate-but-trying-not-to-sound-desperate email asking if the position was still available I would like to accept after all.  They didn't reply right away and since the school year starts Monday I thought I'd missed it.  It was the only full time job I've been offered.  Very dependable school, decent salary, housing assistance, one year contract.  But it's teaching 1st and 2nd grade English, which is something I never dreamed I would want to do.

Ok, I thought, I need to sit down and read through all these emails carefully.  And I really want a Coke.  I found a beachy little taco bar that looked something like home and chose a table at the back.  Reading emails.  Carefully.  Making notes.  Pros vs Cons.  Texting 4 people who could give me advice in this situation.  The waiter brought the Coke.  I poured some into the icy glass.  Ahhhhh so good and soooo sweet.  Waiting for replies.  No replies!  What could all 4 of them possibly be doing that someone can't text back right now?!?!?!  It's Friday afternoon.  Classes start Monday morning.  I have to make a decision.  Like. now.  Check my notes, sip my Coke, wait an agonizing three minutes staring at the screen waiting for a wise reply...

Then the gentle Voice, the one with a smile behind it asks "Why don't you ask me?"  Ah yes.  Duh.  I put my phone down.  So then?  What should I do?  Should I accept it?"  "You said yesterday that if it was still available you would."  I did, didn't I?  Ok.  Yes then.  So I sent the email saying definitely yes, "I will commit to one year, I will sign the contract.  Yes, thank you, thank you!"  I sat back with a sigh of relief, not quite sure what I was doing, but sure I'd done the right thing.  Grabbed my Coke to fill the glass, and that's when I saw it...

Share a Coca-Cola with Jesus

My entire being burst into JOY!!!  I had to stifle an exclamation of sheer happy surprise!  He'd been sitting there with me waiting patiently for me to ask Him, and there it was: the answer I'd been waiting for all week.  This whole week of constant praying Lord, please grant me patience.  And please hurry up!  No doubt He'd been thinking the same thing.  "Sheesh lady!  I offered you this job on Monday and it took you all week to accept?!?"  I don't actually think that's how God talks, but that's how I'd talk to me.  No, I would've given up on me by now! :)   At that point I could see His hand in it all along: the interview entirely in Spanish surprising even myself, the immediate offer the very first day I got here, how he'd led me to a special mass for those looking for work right after the interview, how I'd had no other offers even come close.  (Another teacher here told me that this was an amazing offer for a new teacher.)  So I had to ask myself  Self, why didn't you accept it right away?  Well, because it wasn't what I'd been expecting.  Ah, how often do I fall for that?  As if my imagination is greater than God's power.  As if my knowledge comes anywhere close to His wisdom.  As if!  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29,11.

Moving Mountains

I've been in Puebla a week and still no job.  I thought I'd have one before I even arrived here.  It's tough.  I did meet the nuns that were at my parish, Mt Carmel, in February.  (Back when I first found out about Puebla, and then some nuns from here show up at my church!)  Well, actually I met their order.  Those nuns who were at Mt. Carmel live in Gilbert and have a ministry at St. Ann's!!  I have no idea why they didn't tell me that when I met them.  It's pretty funny.  Anyways, I tracked down the nuns here--they're Carmelite Missionary nuns, called them, and they went to their house to visit.  I explained who I was and what I was doing there and they decided that I am either very brave or mostly crazy :)  I assured them it's both!  They are looking for ways to help me--a job, a place to live, or a community--but haven't found anything yet.  So I am still at a loss.  And there's the trouble that I only have enough money to stay here another week.

It's now no longer possible to get a job with a school, since the semester starts on Monday.  And I've had no leads with private companies. I've contacted the ones I could find, but haven't had any positive responses.  Mainly because I don't have a work visa.  Getting a work visa is tricky and it requires going back to the US (or any other country, just out of Mexico) and getting the visa from the Mexican consulate.  I didn't know this before I came.  Actually I was told that most places don't care whether you have a visa or not, but even if you need to get one you can start working and go through the process while here in Mexico.  It turns out that is not true.  Imagine!  They make it s hard for foreigners to get a job!  ;)  So I'm considering going home.  (Don't get too excited, Mom)  I've made lots of contacts and have had interviews with schools and companies that are very interested in hiring me but since I'm already here without a work visa and the semester starts now the timing is bad.  From home I could keep looking, get the visa, and come back in January.  

But then there's the idea that God has something else planned and of course nothing is impossible through Him.  He is fully aware of my circumstances and He alone knows why I'm here.  So I guess I'll stay here another week.  I will keep trying to make contacts, hopefully find some Church events to attend and maybe an orphanage or homeless shelter to visit.  And I'll see where God leads me.  Maybe I'll buy a hat and a tambourine and starting singing on a corner ;)  I want to live with the poor, after all! :)

Please keep praying for me my friends!  I think I have never done anything that requires so much faith.  I'm constantly attacked by thoughts that I am doing the wrong thing and in the wrong place.  I've been praying to have just faith the size of a mustard seed.  And I realized that I am the mountain that needs moving.  Isn't that the case for all of us?  How can we expect to change anything before we change ourselves?  Before we move beyond our comfortable lives and go where we are capable of very little.  Where our only Hope is to Trust God.  Completely.   

Statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus in the Cathedral, Puebla, Mexico

Back at it

Hola amigos!  I'm back at this blogging thing.  I was going to start a new one, but the task was too daunting, and I finally reasoned, "This is all my life, Brasil, home, Mexico..." so I'm just adding to the old one.  And the title "Love never fails" is always relevant :)  (1 Cor 13,8)

I haven't blogged in nearly two years, since I left Brasil.  Obviously my life isn't that interesting unless I'm in a different country.  And now I'm in Mexico because...well, because I believe this is where God wants me to be.  He's not terribly specific--as most of you may know--but He has led me here "to bring good tidings to the lowly and heal the brokenhearted." (Is 60,1)  Which started with me.  He healed me in Brasil and now I am trying to be His Love to others.

Long story short, my "meal ticket" is as an English teacher.  I'm currently in Tehuacan, Mexico and I've just finished an intense 5 week course student teaching and getting a TESOL certificate.  (Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages)  Now I'm looking for a job in Puebla, Mexico.  I chose Puebla, once again, only on faith.  God put this place before me and granted me more then enough clues that this is where He wants me now.  I'm going there tomorrow and staying in a cheap hotel.  I have a couple of interviews and a lot of leads.  Yes, I need a job to earn enough to survive and buy a plane ticket home for Christmas, but what I really want is to get involved with a charitable organization and help the poor.  Live with them, laugh, cry, love.  But even with this as my main goal I still need a job and a place to live.  Earlier in the week I was allowing some malicious worry to settle in me and so I asked a bunch of people to pray for me.  I couldn't find the right prayers for myself.  And then a couple of days later as I sat in the zocalo (main square) after mass, eating my breakfast, and gazing at this beautiful cathedral the Holy Spirit (aka my conscience) said "He's going to use you to answer someone else's prayer."  And with that, as with any revelation from the Trinity, the doubt and worry were washed away by Joy and Peace!  Use me! use me!!  Not something you hear someone joyfully begging everyday.  But that has become my prayer.  And I know it will strengthen me to go where I am called.  So manana I'm off to Puebla.  Holding tightly my Father's hand.

Despedida

Yesterday was my despedida--my sending forth mass and festa.  It was a beautiful day, full of people I love, a few tears, lots of laughter, and some really great music.  AND someone other than me made brownies :)  I have so much to tell you...but these days are growing shorter and I want to spend every minute with my family here.  Most of them I will never see again on this earth.  It's almost like knowing the day I'm going to die--I just want to sit and talk with them, play, laugh, stare at their beautiful faces until the images are burned on my heart.  I want to leave them with no doubt as to how much I love them.  So I'll write for all of you after.  After I die here and am reborn at home.

love,
Sunny

Dreams, daydreams, shire dreams

I have vivid dreams, I always have.  How often have I thought something happened and then had to ask "did I dream that?"  I dreamt before I came here of wandering through the street, giving birth to octuplets, discovering the rooms of a new house.  I dreamt once I got here of giant mutant bugs, getting lost in the jungle, people I love dying.  Now I dream of coming home.  Last night I hugged my little blond niece, buried my face in her hair and cried for missing Rafaela.  Last week I gave birth to a little girl and couldn't remember what I had wanted to name her.  I dream of seeing a face I love in the airport, finding new rooms in my old house, listening to the tide come in.

It's 4:00am.  I'm lying awake hungry and thinking of everything I want to do, everyone I want to visit, all the projects I want to finish, all the things I want to teach Rafa and Celina in the next 5 weeks.  I went to bed before dinner last night because I was horribly nauseous.  Was it the jaca fruit I ate at Manuela's house or the anxiety of the deadline?...oh, Celina!  My new "little" sister.  She arrived last week for a year mission.  She's from Jefferson City, is 18, and a head taller than me.  She LOVES to clean!  ALLELUIA!  my prayers are answered!! :)  We discovered the other day that on the day she was born I had my wisdom teeth pulled.  HA!  Still, we have a lot in common.  Maybe just because of this mission, this little space that we share with our hearts open.  I pray and I try to encourage her to be completely open to this life, to be herself even if she feels stupid, and to trust God.  And I've got to teach her how to make cakes because everyone is freaking out over who will be the baker when I leave. 

I'm so ready to go home, but I'm not ready to leave.  Like when I came here--sad to leave, happy to go. But you have to leave in order to go, and so... I wonder how much has changed.  My oldest nephew was almost as tall as me when I left, now my highest heels can't reach him.  There are relatives who don't talk to each other anymore, friends who feel we are just too far apart, new babies in the family.  My Grandma's not there anymore.  There are changes in my heart that are beyond words.  How much have I changed?  And how will they find me still the same?  I feel like a clueless little hobbit (maybe it's because I haven't had a pedicure in over a year) who left home one day and entered the world of men, having to face all it's goodness and evil.  Will I be like Sam who went home with clarity and courage to live shire-life to the fullest?  Or will I be like Frodo who just can't go back, who just can't explain?

...now that I write that it seems clearer: of course I'm like Sam!  Besides, Frodo was too skinny :)

xo

Sunny

A year exploring the castle

Last Saturday was my 1 year anniversary here in the Fazenda.  I can easily say that this has been the most intense and important year of my life.  In all I’ve discovered about myself and about God’s love.  I have been changed for good.  And Erica leaves today—my darling Erica who I’ve had as my constant companion during this journey to the center of our souls.  We’ve only been friends for a year, but it seems a lifetime ago that we met.

I remember thinking before my mission “Now my soul is like one small room, after it will be the whole house.”  Well it seems to be more like a castle with a thousand rooms, winding staircases, torturous dungeons, and many sunlit courtyard and rose gardens.  It is more perplexing and meandering, but also more lovely and awesome than I ever imagined.  And I’m sure I’ve only just walked through a small part of it.  I have a guide on this journey through my soul (you undoubtedly know who), but often I think “Oh, I’ve got this!  I can find my way from here.”  Then my pride gets me lost, leads me into doubt.  I make one wrong turn after another until I turn a corner and He is there waiting for me.  I surrender and He takes my hand again with a knowing little smile. 

Even with my guide, every so often I find myself in darkness.  Sometimes it’s just a short corridor where I can keep my hand against the wall until I reach the courtyard on the other side, but others it’s an immense abandoned ballroom and the consuming blackness of it paralyzes me.  During these times all I can do is focus on the present.  I mean be completely focused on whatever/whoever is directly in front of me.  If I look ahead or behind me even one hour of time I lose my grip on reality.  It’s as if the present moment is a single candle flame and all else is an abyss.  I can’t think about how fabulous my vacation was with my parents or the argument I had with Rafaela during breakfast.  I can’t think about what I’m going to do when I get home to Arizona or even what I’m going to cook for dinner.  All thoughts—of joy or sorrow—somehow morph into anxiety, shame, doubt, loneliness.  Only the single candle flame of the present moment is real and only that can I see clearly.

My guide carries the candle.  It’s so dark I can’t see His face or even His wounded hand, but I know the feeling of His presence.  I don’t know where we’re going or how much longer we have to walk.  I only know that I don’t dare look away from the flame.  I have no words during these times because I don’t understand what the darkness is while I’m in it.  I can only say “I am in darkness.”  Some people become afraid and cry for me.  Others lose patience and tell me to get over it.  Few understand—those who have walked through the dark rooms of their own souls, led by the Flame.  To them I say “I am in darkness.  Please pray for me,” and they simply say “Ok,” with a little smile because they know it will lead into light.  There is nothing to do, only pray and wait.

In a moment, perhaps after a day or a few weeks, He opens the door and we step into the sunshine.  Sunlight floods the dark room and I can see what was lurking there.  Maybe it was the threadbare sofa of loneliness, the tarnished mirror of deceit, the tattered blanket of insecurity.  In reality just a bunch of old furniture I need to throw out.  We prop the door open so the sun and breeze can air out the room and I follow Him into the garden, onto explore the rest of the castle.  As I soak up the sunshine I can reflect on the past and dream of the future without any pain or fear.  My joy is full in His love.

My departure date is set: September 19^th.  I’m going to spend a couple weeks in the Heart’s Home in New York afterwards and will be home October 8^th.  Please pray for me in these final two months of my mission.  I feel like I’ve received so much and still have so much more to give.  I continue to pray for all of you.

Love,

Sunny

Terrible Mother, take 2

Caro goes to Salvador 3 days a week and so it's just me and Rafa at home.  I wonder how I became a single mother?!  My schedule is of course tailored around her and usually I'm home when she gets home from school or I'm the one to pick her up and so we get home at the same time.  But Brazilian schedules are entirely flexible, so sometimes I refer to her as my "latch-key kid" because she gets home before I do.  There are always plenty of other people home in the Fazenda--it's not like I'm leaving her alone in the jungle for 2 hours.  If I know in the morning that she's going to be home before me I remind her of what she needs to do: change clothes, eat lunch, wash your plate after lunch, try to do your homework alone or ask someone else to help you (this is a fairy-tale dream--it never happens, but I keep wishing), and then you can play.  Last Tuesday we had such a day and I got home to find her playing in her school clothes.  So I called for her,

"Rafalulu!"  (I try to be extra sweet when I'm irritated with her so that she doesn't know she's going to be in trouble.)

"Oiiiii!"  (a general acknowledgement that she heard me but couldn't possibly imagine why I'd be calling her)

"Rafa!"

"Just a minute."

"RAAAAFFFAAAA!"

"I'm coming!"  (this is never true)  So I wait about 5 minutes for her to walk 50 yards back to the house.  I've also learned that I have to wait for her to get to the house before I reprimand her or else she'll split on me.

"Why are you playing in your school clothes?"

"I've already worn them twice, I'm going to wash them tomorrow."

"And when you stain with mango juice, what are you going to do?"

She knows I'm mad, so the excuses start..."Tete needed my help because Bea took her doll's brush and then Irma asked me to carry her plates to her house and Daniel wouldn't take a nap so I read a book with him and EVERYONE went to see the alligator in the swamp (true story, btw) and and and..."  Of course she also knows that I am more lenient if her excuses involve helping other people, still...

"All you had to do was change your clothes.  It was very simple.  You know you have to change your clothes everyday when you get home.  I reminded you this morning.  You're grounded for the rest of the day."

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"  literal tears.  What's really funny was at this point it was already 5:30.  At 6:00 she takes a shower, 6:30 is mass, 7:30 dinner then it's get ready for tomorrow and off to bed at 8:30.  So basically I grounded her for half an hour.  I am a terrible mother, as she will tell you.

She's picked up on some English in the past year.  One of her favorite sayings is "Holy mackerel!"  It cracks me up!  What else have I managed to teach her in the past year (Holy mackerel!  It's been almost a year!!  whoa)?  Well she now knows how to properly set the table.  She sets the table almost every night and almost every night I lovingly correct her.  One night last week it was perfect, right down to the dessert spoon!  It brought tears to my eyes, I was so proud of my funny little girl.  She can cook much better now and she is almost always on time for mass.  We're always working on how to be more appreciative and compassionate.  I think she's matured a bit, but it's hard to say if I've had anything to do with it.  I think about her constantly.  As much as she tries my patience, I love her so dearly.  It seems like everything I do revolves around her, even though she doesn't always think so.  I wonder how I will possibly be able to leave her.