Last Saturday was my 1 year anniversary here in the
Fazenda. I can easily say that this has
been the most intense and important year of my life. In all I’ve discovered about myself and about
God’s love. I have been changed for
good. And Erica leaves today—my darling
Erica who I’ve had as my constant companion during this journey to the center
of our souls. We’ve only been friends
for a year, but it seems a lifetime ago that we met.
I remember thinking before my mission “Now my soul is like
one small room, after it will be the whole house.” Well it seems to be more like a castle with a
thousand rooms, winding staircases, torturous dungeons, and many sunlit
courtyard and rose gardens. It is more
perplexing and meandering, but also more lovely and awesome than I ever
imagined. And I’m sure I’ve only just
walked through a small part of it. I
have a guide on this journey through my soul (you undoubtedly know who), but
often I think “Oh, I’ve got this! I can
find my way from here.” Then my pride
gets me lost, leads me into doubt. I
make one wrong turn after another until I turn a corner and He is there waiting
for me. I surrender and He takes my hand
again with a knowing little smile.
Even with my guide, every so often I find myself in
darkness. Sometimes it’s just a short
corridor where I can keep my hand against the wall until I reach the courtyard
on the other side, but others it’s an immense abandoned ballroom and the
consuming blackness of it paralyzes me.
During these times all I can do is focus on the present. I mean be completely focused on whatever/whoever
is directly in front of me. If I look
ahead or behind me even one hour of time I lose my grip on reality. It’s as if the present moment is a single
candle flame and all else is an abyss. I
can’t think about how fabulous my vacation was with my parents or the argument
I had with Rafaela during breakfast. I
can’t think about what I’m going to do when I get home to Arizona or even what
I’m going to cook for dinner. All
thoughts—of joy or sorrow—somehow morph into anxiety, shame, doubt,
loneliness. Only the single candle flame
of the present moment is real and only that can I see clearly.
My guide carries the candle.
It’s so dark I can’t see His face or even His wounded hand, but I know
the feeling of His presence. I don’t
know where we’re going or how much longer we have to walk. I only know that I don’t dare look away from
the flame. I have no words during these
times because I don’t understand what the darkness is while I’m in it. I can only say “I am in darkness.” Some people become afraid and cry for
me. Others lose patience and tell me to
get over it. Few understand—those who
have walked through the dark rooms of their own souls, led by the Flame. To them I say “I am in darkness. Please pray for me,” and they simply say
“Ok,” with a little smile because they know it will lead into light. There is nothing to do, only pray and wait.
In a moment, perhaps after a day or a few weeks, He opens
the door and we step into the sunshine.
Sunlight floods the dark room and I can see what was lurking there. Maybe it was the threadbare sofa of
loneliness, the tarnished mirror of deceit, the tattered blanket of
insecurity. In reality just a bunch of
old furniture I need to throw out. We
prop the door open so the sun and breeze can air out the room and I follow Him
into the garden, onto explore the rest of the castle. As I soak up the sunshine I can reflect on
the past and dream of the future without any pain or fear. My joy is full in His love.
My departure date is set: September 19th. I’m going to spend a couple weeks in the
Heart’s Home in New York afterwards and will be home October 8th. Please pray for me in these final two months
of my mission. I feel like I’ve received
so much and still have so much more to give.
I continue to pray for all of you.
Love,
Sunny
