Last weekend we had a retreat with Padre Guillerhme and I was stressed that I wouldn't be able to understand the seminars and wouldn't get much out of the retreat (he's going to use big Portuguese words! Arghhhh!!). So before the first talk I was in adoration praying for the Holy Spirit to open my ears and help me understand the language better when God spoke. I know when it's Him talking rather than my own voice because He always says something I've never thought of, but once I hear it, it seems like I've always known it to be true. He also usually tells me things I don't have the courage to tell myself. He didn't address my immediate concern about the seminar in Portuguese but instead told me, "You are exactly where I want you to be. I have given you everything you need to succeed, but success is not what you think. Happiness is not what you think. It is not a husband and children, living close to you family, a singing career, enough money, or being healthy. These things will never make you happy. Only knowing in the center of your heart--knowing without doubt, without the need to explain--that you are living my will. That is happiness. You will always be searching for something more until you give up all else and want only that certainty in your heart." Not that this is a new message. It’s repeated over and over in the Bible, Saints have preached it, contemporary theologians have written it, but until I heard it from the inside, with my heart I didn’t understand it.
I went to the seminar with this profound message still ringing in my ears and was concentrating very hard on every word Padre Guillerhme said. It gave me a vicious headache. He spoke about lots of things and towards the end he brought up the subject of happiness. He asked if anyone knew what happiness really is. I wanted to shoot my hand in the air and shout "I do! I do! God just told me!!" Instead I let him continue and...well, he was spot on. And I smiled in my heart because God had translated beforehand what I really needed to get out of the weekend.
So I couldn't talk to you about happiness without telling you about my friend Luis Antonio. He is a special friend of the Fazenda. He lives in the Passagem and walks here a few days a week, rain or shine, to pass the time. He knows that if he spends the morning working we will feed him lunch which may be the only meal he gets in a day. My sense of smell usually perceives his arrival. I couldn't tell you how old he is; I would guess somewhere between 22 and 54. He has one front tooth remaining but manages to whistle, and he is usually singing. Various songs I can't understand, but one song he sings is about "felicidade"--Happiness. He always comes to see Irma Miriam first and if she's not here he talks to me about presumably the same things he would say to her. Our conversations usually go something like this:
Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."
Me: "O que?" ("What?")
Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."
Me: "O que?" ("What?")
Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."
Me: "Desculpe Luis Antonio, no entendu." ("Sorry Luis Antonio, I don't understand.")
Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."
Me: "Desculpe Luis Antonio, no entendu." ("Sorry Luis Antonio, I don't understand.")
Luis Antonio: "Chegavetassdesds hios fidfes bushfa desfidsbru."
Me: "Oohhh, ta bom!" ("Oohhh, Ok!")
And then he walks away singing and I hope that he hasn't just told me that someone's house is on fire or the chemical composition of the cure for cancer. He has the patience of a saint and I am finally starting to understand him a little more.
A couple weeks ago he saw that I brought home a coconut from one of my friends. (I accepted it graciously and didn't tell them that I have a coconut tree right outside my front door.) He seemed to be very concerned about the coconut and for three days asked me something about it. I had no idea what he wanted only that he kept gesturing to the coconut. I told him he could have it but he wouldn't take it. Finally the fourth day I realized that he was concerned that it was going to go to waste. (Honestly? We have a whole forest full of them!) He wanted me to eat it. Well, I told him that I didn't know how to open it. So he asked if he could borrow our machete (which I understood only by the word for "knife") then he opened it for me all the while presumably telling me the best way to open a coconut. And he stood there to make sure that I drank all the coco water and scooped out all the meat. He didn't want any of it, he just wanted to make sure that I ate it all.
He's always leaving little presents for us if we're not home when he comes by. One day it's a handful of tamarind (picked from our neighbor's tree, mind you), another day it's 2 oranges. Yesterday he came by after lunch carrying a 15 foot long young bamboo shoot. He wanted me to have it. I asked him "what for?" "For when you go fishing." "I wish!" I thought. I would like to know if he knows any good places to go fishing in the area and how exactly do I catch a fish with a stick, but those questions will have to wait until my vocabulary improves.
I await the day when I can actually sit down and have a conversation with him. I'd like to know his story and why he always sings about felicidade. I've seen where he lives--in a tiny shack that is actually his brother's house. I've heard that his brother's wife doesn't want him to live there. He has no job, no family who loves him, and I think he's not in the best health if he's already lost most of his teeth. So why is he so happy? Is it some great mystery or is it only because he wakes up every morning? Or does he simply believe that he is exactly where he is supposed to be and living God's will for him?
praying for your happiness,
Sunny
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